Truth and Its Discomfort: Building New Muscles

“You are the most guilt-free person I know!” One of my friends said to me.

Where I don’t agree with her, I have spent the past number of years working on not being a people-pleaser simply because I lack the skills to manage a situation differently.

Women in particular are expected to accommodate and people please. It would seem this makes things easier (for others) and we are taught that it makes things easier for ourselves when we don’t rock the boat and cause upset of any sort.

Where I like things to be comfortable as much as the next person, I am no longer willing to give away my belief or truth for the benefit of another person.

Some time ago, I observed three scenarios that happened in succession and reminded me that truth may be difficult and uncomfortable, even when you’re on the receiving end of it but it is the most direct route from point A to point B.

Three Short Stories:

Story #1.  A close friend of mine was working on an enormous, potentially life-changing project. In order to get the ball rolling, she needed to compile multiple letters supporting her effort. She asked family and friends for their support. Some responded and others did not. No biggie.

One of her relatives, who happily agreed, sent back a paragraph that had been written all in caps and incomplete sentences.

My friend was frustrated and asked the relative if they could add more content to support this huge effort she had been attempting to accomplish for 13 years.

The relative refused.

The relative was happy to help and thought the undertaking was a good one but had done what they believed was enough for what they wanted to do. They would not write any more than they had nor have any more conversation about it. Seeing that she was up against a non-negotiable, even thought she felt hurt and frustrated, she asked her relative if she could rewrite the letter and have them sign it. The relative agreed. As aggravating as this situation was, my friend found a work-around and could see how her relative stuck to their own truth.

Story #2.  My mom wanted to build a balcony off of the side of her house. It would have required two metal supports to go into her neighbor’s yard. The yard is verdant, magical and well-tended. My mom thought it would be delightful to be able to step outside on the second floor and enjoy the sun and all the beauty next door. It was a great idea.

The only problem is that she needed the neighbor’s approval to do construction in her yard where there would then be two poles and a balcony and, my mom there each warm morning.

The neighbor refused.

My mom was beside herself with frustration. She repeatedly complained to me about this, as one tends to do. However, her neighbor, regardless of any ill feelings or negative repercussions that could occur, was committed to what she wanted for herself on her property.

Story #3.  One of my siblings had a birthday coming up and my mom was planning a party. I like parties but, I don’t love them and felt uncomfortable going for myriad reasons. I know that may sound awful but generally speaking, given the choice between going to a party and waiting in line at the post office, I’ll choose the post office.

We talked about who would be there, where it would be held, food, drink, time, etc.

I refused.

My mom and discussed it several times but I held my ground. They had the party without me. The party was fine and so was I. The next year, I attended and even planned and coordinated the entire thing, because I wanted to, because it was comfortable, for me.

The through line in each of these examples is the conviction of each of these women to identify AND deliver their uncomfortable truth without wavering from it.

Delivering what we really feel to be our truth can feel much easier said than done. But, it is possible. Consider taking a look at yourself to think about what you really wanted to say at X point or in Y situation and then look at now, the difficult and uncomfortable truths waiting to be delivered but are being avoided by you because you have not been encouraged to build this truth muscle.

Start with something small, every time you see the opportunity to really choose your truth whether that’s saying, “No, I don’t want tomatoes on that.” Or “As much I would love to meet you, I can’t this week.”

You can do it. I know you can. This is your one precious life.

Why compromise?