They’ll Still Love You Even If You Stop People Pleasing
Do you know whether you are a people pleaser or not? If you're wondering, see if you answer yes to any of these questions:
Do you say yes when you want to say no?
Do you respond a certain way because you want to be “nice” or “polite?”
Do you put others’ wants, needs and desires before your own?
Do you have trouble setting boundaries?
Do you make excuses for why you do the above things?
Maybe you’re thinking, “These are things thoughtful human beings do!!” And you’d be right…mostly.
As women, we are often expected from an early age to:
Serve others
Say yes
Smile
And in so doing, make others feel comfortable
We learn to do this with moms, dads, negotiating conflicts with siblings, at school, as a babysitter, at work and so on.
I used to be a people pleaser and when I was a girl, it served me quite well. But, several years ago, I noticed that this behavior was a thoughtless habit and not an intentional act on my part.
As a result, I often found myself in situations, jobs, social plans and relationships that I did not want to be in. I spent so many years feeling frustrated and resentful at others because I did not put my own feelings/needs/wants/desires first.
Isn’t that ridiculous to be frustrated and resentful at others because I was not taking care of MYSELF?
Bananas.
Truth be told, I still people please from time to time but, now I have the wherewithal to catch myself mid-people-pleasing-stream or even go back to change the thing I said I would do/place I would be, etc.
It’s that whole oxygen mask on first thing. It’s really important even if you have to have a do-over.
Because most of us started this behavior many years ago, we think it is this inextricable part of who we are. It is not. Try these simple steps:
Think about with whom and in what circumstances you tend to people please most
Identify why you do it
Figure out where this behavior initially came from and who the other players were
Pin down how it served you then
Ask yourself how it is TRULY serving you now (other than avoidance of something uncomfortable, etc.)
If you think people pleasing really is serving you today, in a healthy and whole manner, for your own good, that’s awesome!
If not, know that you CAN change this behavior and it will be okay. Everyone who has been the previous beneficiary of your people pleasing will get accustomed to this slightly different you.
You will not become a different person. You will simply be a person who takes care of yourself TOO.
You will be a person who is less frustrated and resentful and has more to give because you have an overall better feeling about yourself and your life and that is good for everyone.